Cracked's DOB Weighs In On Andrew WK's Twitter

"What Andrew WK's Twitter Taught Me About Life" by Daniel O'Brien.

How Old Is David Hasslehoff, Jennifer Grey, Florence Henderson?

David Hasslehoff: born July 17, 1952
Jennifer Grey: born March 26, 1960
Florence Henderson: born February 14, 1934

You're welcome.

A Pair Of Crazy, Conspiracy-Themed Bills I Got Once.

A couple of real bills I recieved as part of my tipout from a bar I used to work at about 5 years ago:

$10: "The case of Donna Dial of Round Rock, Texas was a sad one of a bright young woman gone insane with paranoid schizophrenia purely from a biological dysfunction in her brain. This is obvious to anyone who watched her ceaselessly wandering & chaotic description of her beliefs & the tears of her mother that witnessed her decline before Donna killed her and her landlord in a delusion (watch "The System *illegible*" on CourtTV). But the prosecutor in Williamson County insisted she was sane, which resulted in Dial being sent to prison rather than a mental hospital. This barbarity could only occur where primitive religion saturates the culture as it does there. Remember Thomas Willis. Tax exemptions for religion coerce Atheists to subsidize it. National God mottoes coerce pretend religious belief. These laws are unjust and unconstitutional. NO JUST GOD WOULD EVER ALLOW EVIL. FREE WILL IS A BAD JOKE. Do you understand that insanity (what the supernatural religious call "demon possession") is a purely internal neurological organizational dysfunction that can be transmitted by verbal command?"

$5: "Somebody ought to tell the truth about the bible. The preachers dare not because they would be driven from their pulpits. Professors dare not, because they would lose their salaries. Politicians dare not, they would be defeated. Editors dare not, they would lose subscribers. Merchants dare not because they might lose customers. Men of fashion dare not, because they might lose caste. Even clerks dare not because they might be discharged. And so I thought I might do it myself."- Robert G Ingersoll (About The Holy Bibile, 1894 y.b.m.*) *y.b.m.= years of a big myth. IS THIS THE SAME GOD THAT ORDERED THE SLAUGHTER OF WOMEN AND CHILDREN (deut 3:24 & 21:17-18). Read The Bible According To Mark Twain. Religious bragging notwithstanding, the bible is not the greatest work of literature. The book of numbers is mind-numbing. Twain and Shakespeare are better. Tax exemptions for religion coerce Atheists to subsidize it. National God mottoes coerce pretend religious belief. These laws are unjust and unconstitutional."

Seriously, even clerks.

Terminated.

Ganked from Julia Segal's Tumblr.

Strongbad Email: Virus - BACKWARDS

The Homestar Pants Dance.

I'll admit that this goes on for about three times as long as it should, but I found the first 30 seconds of this funny enough to make it worth sharing.

And if it takes me posting every single crappy bootleg Youtube Homestar homage to get the Brothers Chaps to put out a new fucking cartoon, by God I'll do it.